Anger is a Relationship Killer

Anger is a Relationship Killer

Let's turn together to Matt. 5. It’s worth repeating that the theme of the gospel of Matthew is the kingdom of heaven and Jesus the King. The sermon on the mount

High blood pressure is called the silent killer because a person can look good on the outside and have a growing heart problem that can lead to a stroke or heart attack. This is what the Pharisees were doing with the law – they focused on how they looked from the outside rather than be concerned with what was going on on the inside, in their hearts. On the outside Jesus said they are whitewashed tombs, but on the inside they are full of dead men’s bones. Their hearts were rotten to the core. They had gotten really good at appearing righteous without actually being righteous.

Jesus didn’t come to abolish the law and prophets he came to fulfill them and reveal God’s true intent for the law – that it reach our hearts, there the problem really is. In the next six sections Jesus is going to lay out what the law says, along with some rabbinical commentary, and then take it deeper than outward obedience and apply it to the heart.

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny. (Matthew 5:21-26 ESV)

Jesus is referring to the sixth commandment, you shall not murder. To take innocent life is a terrible crime against man and God and will one day answer to God’s judgment. It’s an important commandment in the building of a civil society and we see its value, but for most people it’s not a difficult commandment to obey. In fact, it’s the commandment most of us can confidently check off: done. No dead bodies in my past. This is an easy one!

Or is it? With an authority that amazed the crowds Jesus claims a greater authority than Moses and the law when he says you have heard it said you shall not murder (law)… but I say to you (law of the kingdom) that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment…

Jesus equates being angry with our brother or sister to murdering them. Anger is a silent killer, like high blood pressure. We can be angry at someone and no one around us knows it. There’s no dead body, no crime scene, no DNA left behind. Anger is something we can hide really well by keeping it in the heart where no one else can see it. Only we know it’s there. And God.

Jesus is saying that we can keep the sixth commandment externally but be violating it internally when we are angry with someone else. But is that really true? Is Jesus saying that all anger is bad? All anger can be equated as murder? Doesn’t Paul, inspired by God, tell us in Eph. 4 “be angry yet do not sin.” That implies that it’s possible to be angry and not sin. He even encourages us not to let the sun go down on our anger. Don’t let anger simmer and fester, work it out before you let too much time go by.

Jesus isn’t saying all anger is bad or evil. God gets angry. Jesus got angry. Being angry with someone isn’t always tantamount to murdering them in our heart. Jesus is talking about a very specific type of anger. God gave us emotions, and anger is a God-given emotion. Anger can be the exactly right emotion to have in certain circumstances. Righteous anger is meant to rise up in us and drive us to productive (not destructive) action. When we see injustice or abuse or evil, anger should rise up in us and if possible, motivate us to do what we can to right the wrongs and end injustice and abuse. That’s what happened when Jesus saw a group of religious leaders who cared more about keeping their man-made restrictions on the Sabbath than healing a man with a withered hand. Their hardness of heart angered Jesus. And he healed the man’s hand.

Not all anger is bad, but the wrong kind of anger or the wrong proportion of anger can be a powder keg that explodes and does a lot of damage. Anger can be a relationship-killer.

There are two words in the Greek for anger. Thymos means to flare up in anger. We might say someone has an explosive temper. If we have a tendency to outbursts of thymos anger, it’s definitely something we want to talk to God about because a lot of damage can be done to a relationship in a moment of anger. But Jesus used the Greek word orge, which means a settled and simmering anger. The kind of anger that lodges deep in the heart and settles there. God has orge anger – but He’s a better vessel for that kind of anger than we are. When anger simmers and brews in our hearts, it’s going to eat away at us and eventually it’s going to spill out and do damage to other people.

We’ve all heard of people who seemed very angry and then one day they snapped and became violent. In extreme cases the fruit of murder comes from the root of smoldering anger – orge – that simmered and ate away at someone without being dealt with.

But more often, an angry person will resort to hurtful attitudes and words. Raca is like calling someone stupid. To call someone a fool is to accuse them of being morally and mentally deficient. Our words have power and when there’s anger in our hearts it will eventually spill out into our words and can do a lot of damage.

There was a bus driver at Birnie’s that seemed to have anger issues. He never got angry at me, but more than once when something didn’t go his way, I heard him erupt in angry words. He abused his bus monitor to the point that she tried to quit. Eventually they had to fire him. I feel for him because his anger has messed up his life.

That’s what unrighteous, unhealthy anger does. It burns bridges. Destroys friendships. Eats away at marriages. Alienates parents and children. Divides churches.

Jesus tells us to go to that person and try to make things right. If you’re on your way to give an offering to God, Jesus says God doesn’t want it. Not until you go and try to make things right. Jesus says the goal is to be reconciled to your brother or sister. To see your relationship healed. Anger is content to allow relationships to die on the vine. God’s not content with that. If our spirituality isn’t producing love between us and our brothers and sisters, God says I want nothing to do with it. Don’t bring Me a gift until you go and reconcile.

If someone is accusing you of wrongdoing, and there are grounds for their accusation, don't lawyer up. Try to settle it. Humble yourself if you've done wrong. Admit it. If it goes to trial you may lose. We can’t control what other people do or react. A lot of people hated Jesus and Paul and Peter right up to their last day. But Jesus, Paul, and Peter didn’t allow anger and hatred to fester in their hearts.

Anger is a real thing. Some in this room know it firsthand. You know the damage it can do – either you’ve seen it or you’ve done it. God wants to touch your angry heart with grace. The Holy Spirit wants to fill you with the fruit of the Spirit and anger isn’t one of them.

Close with two thoughts:

1. Let anger motivate you to take action, but don't let anger take root in your heart

Anger can be a really good motivating emotion. Anger isn't always bad - God gave us anger as a part of our emotional toolbox. Let it give you resolve to deal with a wrong, or to draw a healthy relational boundary, or to work to fight abuse or suffering in some way. This kind of anger is like a fire in a fireplace - it's controlled and safe.

But if our anger is smoldering and raging within us, it’s time to take a beat. Confess it to God and ask for forgiveness. If there’s someone you’ve hurt or spoken against in anger, go and try to make things right. Speak words of healing over the wounds your words have let them with.

2. Don't be easily angered

Little pots soon boil over; and I have known some professing Christians, who are such very little pots, that the smallest fire has made them boil over. When you never meant anything to hurt their feelings, they have been terribly hurt. The simplest remark has been taken as an insult… and they make their brethren offenders for a word, or for half a word, aye, and even for not saying a word. ~ Charles Spurgeon

Did you ever meet someone who is just so easily offended, so easily angered? You feel like you have to walk on eggshells with them, you have to be so careful with what you say. Don't be that person. If it's easy for you to be offended or outraged by what people say and you're racking up offenses, God's answer is for you to grow and be a bigger pot, be a bigger person, a bigger Christian.

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. Prov. 16:32

Closing thought: as I went to print this message out, I got a message: printer has a problem and needs your intervention. Anger can build up so much it clogs up our lives and makes us unable to live the way God intended. We have a problem and need intervention. If your heart is clogged up - find a trusted, mature believer and talk to them about it. Not to rake someone over the coals, but to get help with your anger issue. Call me and let's set up an appointment. But don't just settle for living with anger. Let anger drive you to action and do something about it.